The Lemon Drop Chronicles
by kishinokurobi
Summary: A series of crazy one-shots with little to no continuity. Most are crack. Most are from Harry Potter. All of them are funny to people I don't hate. Warning: Includes mentions of rape, drugs and racism. Give it a try if you're cool. All of the other cool kids like it.
1. Accepting Candy From Strange Old Men

A/N: Welcome to my new oneshot series. I have a hard time writing a long story with a consistent plot, so I figured that writing a bunch of oneshots would be more up my ally. I guess it will be for you guys to agree or disagree. These will mostly be Harry Potter, but I'll throw some anime and media in.

Most of these will be crack. My humor is often violent and stupid. If you hate slapstick you'll probably hate this. I don't care. Flame me if you want, it makes me laugh.

Without further ado:

Chapter 1

Accepting candy from strange old men.

As the beginning of the year feast was coming to a close, Harry wondered what the coming year would hold for him. Last year was the tri-wizard tournament, and Harry's friendship with Ron was strained.

He had forgiven Hermione over the summer when she convinced her parents to take him along on their summer vacation. She wasn't sure what happened to cause her to act so irrationally. Of course Harry would never enter himself into the tournament, he was never that stupid. Harry suspected potions, but at this point it was too late to find out.

Ron had sent him a card on his birthday, but seemed for forget how terribly the Dursleys' hated him and magic. By the time Harry got back they had burnt it and asked if he got a card from any of his 'freak friends' while in France.

Harry had avoided Ron on the train, not ready to face him yet.

Looking around, Harry noticed Ron starting to walk towards him. Right before he'd need to talk to him though, Dumbledore was calling him over, presumably for a talk in his office.

Harry was right, and thus able to procrastinate confronting his 'friend' for a while. As he walking into the office of whirling Gizmos Dumbledore took a seat at his desk.

"Would you like a lemon drop Harry?" Dumbledore offered like always. Harry had never accepted one before, but what the heck, he might as well try one. Maybe it'll give him a few extra seconds of avoiding confrontation.

Harry grabbed two and popped them into his mouth. Dumbledore took a surprised expression on his face.

"I don't know if it's wise to start with two. Lemon drops are pretty powerful." Dumbledore said. Harry didn't hear him though, as everything other than Dumbledore became very purple.

Dumbledore's face started melting, his expression a horrified scream. As his flesh dripped into the bottomless pit on the floor, Harry decided to make a break for it. He'd be blamed for sure!

Dumbledore watched as Harry ran from his office, amused. He remembered the first time he did LSD. Good times!

Harry ran through the cave he was trapped in as fast as he could. Various monsters looking at him with surprise as he charged past. He was terrified of them. If they caught him he'd be dead for sure.

Harry stopped and did a double-take as he saw Hitler, just standing there. Pulling his wand out Harry cast a quick Reducio curse and exploded Hitler's upper body. Fuck Hitler.

The monsters screamed in surprise and rage before attempting to give chase. It was no use however, and Harry pulled his cloak of invisibility from his pocket as he rounded a corner.

The stupid monster ran right past him, and Harry decided to find an exit to the cave.

Harry didn't know how long it took, but eventually he caught sight of Hermione. Great! She'd know what to do!

Harry quickly followed her until she entered a side-cavern filled with small running waterfalls.

She squeaked when he pulled the cloak off, but calmed down quickly.

"Harry's what's going on?" she asked, a concerned expression on her face.

"I don't know, how did I get here?" Harry asked. Hermione's expression became puzzled.

"Harry, are you okay?" Hermione asked. Concern flashed across her features. Harry quickly realize they must have switched his normal language, and this cast the translation charm on himself. He must have messed up though, because everything went black.

"What did I do last night?" Harry asked as he woke up. He was in some sort of bathroom by the looks of the walls and toilet stalls.

A light, tired sobbing to his left caused Harry to look over. His eyes bugged out as he saw Hermione, completely nude and covered in semen. Her hand were tied behind her back, and she was curled into the fetal position sobbing.

"Hermione, are you okay? What happened?" harry asked in panic. Her fearful gaze quickly turned angry.

"From what I gathered Harry" Hermione started, his name coated with such fury Harry almost ran "you met with Dumbledore, sprinted out of his office, down the halls and killed Malfoy. Then you walk in here, start talking gibberish, point your wand at yourself and scream 'Rapeus Maximus!' before raping me for over three hours! How about you tell me what the fuck happened before I get free and turn you in."

Harry's eyes were wide as he realized what happened.

"Uhh. This is going to sound stupid, but I took two of Dumbledore's Lemon Drops. I think they have something in them." Harry said. Seeing Hermione's incredulous face, Harry had a brilliant idea.

"Accio Lemon Drops!" a second later Harry heard a grinding sound before the rear wall of the bathroom exploded in a shower of rock chips and dust. 5 lemon drops floated in the air. Harry popped two of them in his mouth and three in Hermione's before untying her. (He had to hold her nose shut until she opened her mouth, but it was to prove his innocence to her.)

–

"Oh god, They're all dead!" Hermione screamed as they came to. They were seated in the Slytherin common room, surrounded by the corpses of every Slytherin, including Snape, and that ugly new DADA teacher.

Half of the girls were covered in semen, and about a fourth of the boys seemed to have math equations carved into their flesh that made Hermione start to feel hot and heavy.

"Why!? Why would you do more of those after the first time!?" Hermione asked Harry frantically.

"Well, you know when you get glue on your hands, so you put some more glue on to get it off?" Harry started.

"This is nothing like that you idiot!" Hermione shouted before slapping him so hard he fell over.

They both turned as the common room door swung open, revealing Professor Sprout.

"Has anyone seen my first period – Oh my god!" Professor Sprout started before Harry stunned her. He looked over to Hermione and pulled out four more lemon drops from his pockets.

"Do it again?" Harry asked.

"Fuck it, sure." Hermione responded, resigned. She grabbed two, they linked arms at the elbows and took the 'candy.'

What's the worst that could happen?

A/N:

I'm sorry, I had to write this. Actually, I'm not sorry. I also didn't really need to write this. Forget all of that.

Leave a review and let me know what you think.

Until next time,

-KishinoKurobi


	2. Harry Bullies Snape

A/N: Snape's pretty well known as a petty dickweed who bullies children to make up for years of abuse because he was a beta-ass bitch in school. Now, you've probably seen stories where Harry gets revenge on Snape, but what if events happened that led to Harry becoming almost exactly like James? Will Snape truly be happy that Harry is exactly the kind of person he thought he would be?

Without further ado:

Chapter 2

Harry Bullies Snape.

Backing a wizard into a corner is never the best idea unless you're prepared to kill or obliviate them. Magic can do so many sneaky and underhanded things that loose ends need to be taken care of quickly with extreme prejudice.

Thus starving, beating, humiliating but never killing a young Harry Potter wasn't the best idea.

One night in mid-july a 6 year old harry was lying in his 'bed' in the cupboard. He was hungry. He was bruised from both working and his 'uncle.' He was nearly broken, but he was also a wizard.

While he didn't mean to, Harry never felt bad for the actions he committed that night. The life-force was ripped from the rest of the people living there. Healing him, Improving him.

When it was discovered by a panicked Dumbledore checking house after the biggest surge of dark magic seen in a long time, Harry was the only living being in the house.

Dumbledore had a hard time figuring out what had happened. Accidental magic this violent had never been recorded.

Was it his scar? Was it purely defensive? Would Harry be inclined to do something like this on purpose?

As conflicted as Dumbledore was he hid the evidence and planned where to put Harry now.

As Harry waved goodbye to Sirius Black as well as Ted, Andromeda and Nym Tonks he thought about where he had been living the the last 6 years. Dumbledore had apparently found a distant memory of Harry's mother screaming "Peter you god-damn traitor!" when Voldemort attacked them during a legemancy scan of Harry's mind on the night he was removed from his relatives' house.

During the following court cases, Sirius was made a free man, received official apologies and received pardons for the crimes he had committed. (Being an unregistered Animagus was the smallest. He had killed off the entire lines of a few dark families and committed war crimes that probably could have landed him in azkaban had he been tried correctly.)

He ended up moving in with Harry, Andromeda and Nym to avoid the depressing manner of his ancestors. He would have changed his name, but he found it too important and ironic to use their political power and money towards muggleborn and non-human rights.

As for why Harry called his sister Nym, Harry still shuddered as he remembered all the noogies and other punishment dished out by his older sister whenever he mentioned her full name. By this point he didn't even think it.

The next year would be very interesting. Hogwarts was a place he both looked forward to and dreaded the idea of.

Nym had given him a lot of warnings and advice. Especially in regards to Snape. (Harry assumed she was looking for some sort of vicarious revenge. If Snape was truly as big of a git as described Harry wouldn't care.)

The door to his cabin opened and a red haired boy took one look at him and fled. Harry had punched the boy once or twice when he had annoyed him growing up, so it seemed that the impression was made.

A few minutes later the older brothers of Ron walked in. "Harry Lee Jordan's Got an awesome pet giant tarantula near the middle of the train! Come check it out!"

"Sure thing! Maybe we'll even get a chance to prank Ron with it." Harry mused as they walked. The older twins giggling like loons.

Harry and the twins got on like a orphanage on fire. It started with the twins putting a laxative in one of Harry's drinks while he was eating, and finding out that Harry had saw them and swapped it back without their notice.

Since then they had taught him a lot about both magic and pranking on breaks. In return Harry had helped 'smuggle' in goods from outside of the school.

Sirius had made sure to encourage Harry's pranking behavior, and had turned a blind eye to anything he did under the pretense of 'pranks.'

"Harry Potter" Mcgonagall called to have Harry sorted.

Harry stepped up to the hat and put it on. It wasn't on his head for more than a second before it yelled out "Slytherin!" causing Snape to begin choking violently on his food and Mcgonagall to make a strangled, choking noise.

"Hahaha! Just kidding Gryffindor!"

"If it isn't our resident celebrity… Potter!" Snape started. Spitting Harry's name like it was poison. Harry was the splitting image of his father. Harry acted like his father. This was the perfect way to get revenge.

"What would I get if I added a powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?" Snape questioned quickly. Best to overwhelm him. Maybe Harry would even cry!

"A mess. You'd need to add extra water and stir it twelve times counter clockwise and twice clockwise over medium heat to get an Draught of Living Death. I guess you're as bad with potions as you are with cleaning." Harry answered with a sneer.

"DETENTION! YOU BRAT I'LL-"

"Cry to your Mom? Oh wait, she needed to date-rape a muggle and die to spawn you."

Snape pulled out his wand and went to cast a cutting curse and potentially murder Harry. However Harry had been getting up in Snapes face and grabbed his wand as he drew it. Harry snapped it in two and threw it over his shoulder as snape reached into his robes for something.

Harry then punched Snape in the nose. As Snape went to open his mouth and say something Harry hit him in the mouth and broke his nose with a jab cross combo. Snape fell to his knees and started crying.

"Man, you're really petty, you know that? I bet you're still a virgin." as Snape started crying harder and curled into the fetal position Harry knew he hit a nerve.

"It's hardly a surprise. You're ugly as hell, and don't seem to know how to clean yourself. It's so easy to see why my mom picked my dad over you I don't know how you ever had hope." Harry then kicked snape in the ribs twice and walked out of the room.

A/N: This is one story that I think I'll follow up in the future. The idea of Harry being an asshole to most of the bad guys is pretty funny to me.

Leave a review and let me know what you think.

Until next time,

-KishinoKurobi


	3. Dual Omakes

2 Omakes I've written for other stories

**-A/N-**

I'm writing a Naruto one-shot right now. To tide you over however...

I figured that since a lot of you don't read The Rise of Lord Vulcan I'd put them here. I don't write for that story anymore due to disagreements with how the story should progress, but I hope the nothing but the best for the author. Check it out, it might be right up your alley.

These don't really require any prior knowledge, other than they're don't even have anything to do with his story.

The first takes place in 2nd year, and the second is intended to take place 4th year.

**-End A/N-**

-Omake 1-

Luna shook her head, cheerfully stating, "Oh no, I don't get what all the fuss is about. It's not like snakes talk about taking over the world." She looked suspiciously around before she leaned in and whispered, "That's what Owl's do!"  
Harry laughed, finding the mental image of Supreme Commander Hedwig with a swagger stick in her mouth furiously barking out commands and slapping the stack against the map she'd set up with the attack plan on it, directing her troops to take over the US for their plentiful livestock. So many pigs, so much bacon…  
-Later-

"Have you been followed?" a Feminine voice drifted from the shadows of an abandoned third floor classroom.

"No, they're all preoccupied with my various conspiracy theories about those stupid owls and such." Luna's voice responded as she stepped into the lone beam of moonlight shining through a window.

A cloaked figure stepped out in front of her. Due to the window being to her back, everything of importance aside from her medium height and female gender was obscured by shadow.

"Very good. They'll never see us coming. Prepare an accident for Mrs. Pomfrey. I think the school needs a new nurse."

"Understood."

Both girls withdrew from the light and went their separate ways.

-Later-

"While we're still investigating what happened to her Hippogriff Burger, the results are the same. Madam Pomfrey caught an extremely lethal variant of Magic Diarrhea. The normal nurses quarters have been quarantined, and should be cleaned within 2 years."

Hagrid was sobbing. They had thrown away the rest of Buckbeak's meat as a safety precaution. It was all he had left to remember the tasty bird!

"Well, I guess you could say she was shit out of luck." Ron joked. He was answered by a fifth year Hufflepuff's Bombardment curse turning the bottom half of his torso to red paste.

"My mother's dead and you make a pun! I'll fucking kill you!" The distraught Hufflepuff screamed.

As the entire staff stared at Dumbledore to step in, he broke from his thoughts and resumed his speech, ignoring the screams of Ron as the Hufflepuff began summoning his organs from the gaping hole that used to be his hips. It was a terrible pun after all.

"Ah yes, where was I? We've hired a replacement nurse. Please treat Medusa with respect and I'm sure everythin g will be fine."

As a medium height blond haired women with two long pig-tails twisted into a spiral that ran through the cleavage of her breasts to about mid-stomach stepped onto the stage she gave a cute smile that earned her the undying love of about 1/4th of the male population.

"I only hope I can be half as good as Madam Pomfrey, she was a great women." Medusa said humbly and walked back to her spot at the staff table.

"Mr. Pomfrey, please come here. Ron's properly dead now, and I'll need to punish you for killing another student so horrifically."

As the son of Madam Pomfrey walked up to Dumbledore with a defiant look in his eyes, Dumbledore grabbed his arm and held it up. Gently Dumbledore's hand swatted the boy's wrist making a quiet slap sound.

"I'm sorry I had to do that. Please head back to your seat." Dumbledore said, his voice a regretful whisper.

"Without further ado, let's eat in Memory of her life!" McGonagall finished for the distraught headmaster.

As plates of food appeared on the table Hagrid sobbed harder. The fluffy-nuggets were tasty, but Buckbeak was so much more juicy...

-Omake 2-

-Draco's POV-

Draco Malfoy was not a very original person. He tried to do everything like his father would, because his father was perfect. If someone was a filthy mudblood, his father would tell them so. Subtlety could be used around classy purebloods, but would obviously fly over stupid mudbloods' heads.

Why insult someone if they don't get it?

Recently however, Draco had been noticing less and less mudbloods feeling insulted at the ultimate derogatory term. Apparently since they didn't grow up in the Wizard's society the insult held little value to them. Peer pressure used to make them realize it as the insult it was, but lately the amount of mudbloods and halfbloods raised in muggle society had risen to the point that pureblood insults held little value.

Just last week a first year Hufflepuff had laughed at his 'made up' insult.

Draco had been most offended, and most certainly did not immediately owl his father for help. His father had decided to send Draco advice for this exact circumstance, but it wasn't because Draco had 'run crying to his father for help.'

He had something in his eye.

Thus Draco decided to look up what would be offensive to mudbloods. After easily obtaining his information (His father wouldn't care if he paid Hermione 500 galleons for information if it turned out to help their war on mudbloods.) he decided to try out the one insult Hermione specifically told him not to use. Too offensive or something.

Walking his way was a forth year Hufflepuff. The perfect target.

"Hey, Ni**er!" Draco shouted. Instantly every mudblood and halfblood in the crowded hallway shut up and silence reigned. Several people scrambled to get out of the way.

"What did you just call me?" the stupid black Hufflepuff asked.

"I called you a filthy Ni**er you Ni**er! Going to cry about-" Draco said before cutting off abruptly as a loud bang sounded. In the boy's hands was some metal device. Draco let out a loud scream as he felt his kneecap shatter.

New plan: Buy freedom. Fortunately, Draco knew exactly what to say. Hermione had been very helpful.

"I'll give you as many watermelons as you want!" Draco offered. He really shouldn't have however, because He was shot in the head for it. Twice.

"Anyone else wanna say something?" the kid asked. No one did.

-3 weeks later – Dumbledore's POV-

"The rule change has been approved. Unfortunately rules prohibit them from being enforced retroactively, so the two detentions given to young Kendric are the most we can do. " Dumbledore said.

When the school was created, the founders had never imagined that Physical violence would progress past minor bullying. They always assumed deaths would require magic, and thus had different rules for accidental deaths via non-combat magic (Lumios causing a student to fall from a stair-case and break his neck.) purposeful deaths via combat magic (The blasting curse.) and dark magic.

Punishments for the former ranged from Ten detentions to years in Azkaban. The worst they could do if magic wasn't involved was two detentions.

On the bright side, with Draco dead the Malfoys would die with his Father. The greater good would have one less opponent.

Hope you liked these.

Read and Review.


	4. Naruto Strikes Back

Chapter 4

Naruto Strikes Back!

"Alright, You'll need to come at me with the intent to kill to stand a chance." Kakashi said.

While Sasuke and Sakura scattered, Naruto decided to fight Kakashi straight up.

No matter how he attempted to attack Kakashi, he was thwarted. All while Kakashi was reading that stupid book!

After some quick thinking and clones, Naruto had Kakashi held between two clones.

Kakashi was just fooling around with Naruto and prepared to swap with a clone for further amusement. However he was shocked and terrified when he felt something papery slapped across the back of his head from his blind spot.

'That couldn't possibly be an exploding tag… could it?' were Kakashi's last thoughts before his head exploded violently.

His eyeball flew at supersonic speeds into Naruto's right eye. Naruto's eye was pulverized by the impact, but the Kyuubi's chakra burst forth and healed Naruto leaving him with a sharingan in his right eye.

"Sweet! I got the bells!" Naruto yelled. Ignoring the fact that he killed their Sensei. He'd passed, so he'd surely be found a replacement sensei.

"Naruto. At first I thought you were a talentless loser, but you killed that guy so bad that you gained the Sharingan. I respect that shit!" Sasuke said. He might have continued talking, but the Hokage entered the clearing with a Shushin.

"What happened? Genin report!" He asked, seeing Kakashi's smoldering corpse, little more than legs and burnt flesh.

"Sir! I blew his face clean off his face Sir!" Naruto responded.

"That he did Sir!" Was Sasuke's response.

"My name is Sakura!" Yelled Sakura at a surprising volume. She hadn't gotten a line yet… Everyone ignored her anyways. A chunk of her died inside.

"Why would you do that?" The Hokage asked, feeling a migraine coming on.

"He said to come at him with intent to kill!" Naruto responded.

"So Naruto killed him so hard he gain a Sharingan!" followed up Sasuke. The Hokage had too much to do to clear that misconception up, so he just left it like that.

"Whatever, I'll find you another instructor. Report to to the Yamanaka household tomorrow at 0 800 hours for mandatory counseling. You all need help!" said the Hokage. He turned around and used Shushin to leave.

"Come on! Someone pay attention to me!" Yelled Sakura as Naruto and Sasuke left. She was ignored.

* * *

"Come to think of it… Naruto, how do you think the Hokage knew we killed Kakashi so fast?" Sasuke asked while they were eating ramen at Ichiraku's. Sakura might have been there, but no one would have noticed her anyways.

"He probably just knew. He's the best wizard in the village, right?" Naruto responded earning a queer look from Sasuke.

"Naruto… He's the best Ninja. This is a Ninja village." Sasuke responded slowly, as if speaking to a retarded child.

"But… Isn't Ninja slang for Wizard?" Naruto asked desperately.

"No Naruto. Ninja is slang for Ninja…"

"Well that explains my scores in the academy at least!" Naruto responded, suddenly cheerful.

"Besides. I got some magic to work. Look at this: Avada Kedavra!" Naruto shouted, shooting a green light out of his fingers that killed some random dude walking down the street.

It would later be discovered that he was Kabuto, an Agent of Orochimaru and Naruto would be rewarded, rather than executed for his thoughtless murder of a comrade, but that's later.

"Holy fuck!" Sasuke responded, unknowingly mimicking the Hokage watching though his crystal ball.

"I'll need to send some ANBU to check that out." Muttered the naked Hokage, waiting impatiently for Naruto to go home and shower. His pills wouldn't last much longer, it had already been 30 minutes!

* * *

"Well, you killed my old fuck-toy Kakashi so I blackmailed the Hokage into letting me be your new Jonin sensei. You're going to be taking his spot as my new boytoy Na~ru~to." Anko said in a voice that both put Naruto on edge and gave him an erection.

"Wait, so I killed my first Jonin sensei and got rewarded with a hot new sensei that arrives on time and wants to fuck me without forcing me to actually be in a relationship that would require emotional commitment or work?" Naruto asked skeptically.

"Oh you're just a treat." Anko said before turning to his teammates.

"Hm. Sasuke Uchiha. You seem uptight. You have a new genin test. Get laid or I'll throw you in a volcano." Anko said seriously.

"Don't you mean back in the academy?" Sakura asked meekly. When Anko turned to her Sakura's eyes widened. A sensei who actually listened to her!

"You're boring. I'm going to trade you. A letter should arrive with a new team soon." Anko said before turning away to drag Naruto off and molest him.

Sakura decided to go have some comfort ice cream and cry herself to sleep.

* * *

"Gai I need to trade students with you. I've got a girl with absolutely… burnt out flames of youth on my team that need rekindling. I'll take Tenten." Anko said as she strolled into the clearing. Clearly not giving a shit that she was discussing Genin like cattle.

"Anko! I would never abandon one of my darling stu…" Gai's speech was cut off as Anko pulled out a large white popsicle and took a dainty lick before taking the whole thing down her throat and pulling out the clean stick. White cream coated her lips and a single drop feel between her cleavage.

"What a shame. I was hoping to… celebrate this exchange of youth today. Oh well." Anko said. At the sight of her licking the excess white icecream from her lips in one long twirl of her tongue, Gai and Lee realized a serious problem with wearing such tight spandex suits.

"On second thought Tenten is already overflowing with youth and I'd be happy to help a new student." Gai said. Tenten was upset, but only because it made her sound like a whore.

"You're truly going to change your mind so quickly? Pathetic." Neji said with a sneer. Sensei or not, that was the most blatant act of seduction he'd ever seen and Gai was a Jonin.

"Neji, if you cockblock me I'll rip your balls off and shove them so far up your ass the stick will pop out your mouth." Gai and Lee said at the same time. They turned to each other and gave their signature thumbs up because hugging with raring erections would be really gay.

* * *

Gai tied the spandex training suit around the training weights and letter before chucking it through his new students window. He might have worried about the shattering glass, but he was heading to Anko's house to 'celebrate.'

Sakura screamed when a set of ridiculously heavy weights crashed through her window, smashed through the floor and crushed her parents to death. Her hands shakily pulled the letter from the bundle and read it.

"Sakura. Come to our training ground at 6 tomorrow so we can beat you black and blue and fill you with youth. It's #25, the one far enough from everything else that no one can hear anyone scream while we put them through their paces.

Don't make us come get you. Or we'll ride you extra hard.

No one will care if you report us. The only way out is when we say so."

She saw a picture attached of two hideous men in green spandex with raging erections giving the camera a thumbs-up and wink attached before slowly setting the letter back down.

With shaky hands she killed herself to avoid the rape. Her last thought was: Will anyone miss me?

SPOILER: No one missed her. Her body wasn't found until they started stinking and were just tossed into the grinder to feed the prisoners of war. Ino ended up happily married to Sasuke, and only once tried to remember 'that one girl who did the thing a while ago.'

She failed.

* * *

A/N:

Am I the only one that thinks that the Hokage constantly spying on Naruto is pretty creepy? Seriously.

I don't hate Sakura. I just love to torment characters, and she's an easy target.

I'm going to make a chapter dedicated to her soon. It should be good.

Sorry for the random formatting changes between chapters. Posting them is surprisingly stupid. This time it kept removing the triple minus signs I used (including where I wrote the words "triple minus signs") so I had to replace them with horizontal lines.

Review or I'll throw my cat in a blender again! (He's only got 7 more lives.)

Back to your regularly scheduled reality,

-KishinoKurobi


	5. Luna the Slayer

Chapter 5

Luna the Slayer

The first time Harry saw Luna was in a boat on the lake. Hagrid was calling all the first years over, and hers had an empty seat. Taking a seat in next to her and across from two other girls Harry decided to introduce himself.

"I'm Harry Potter. Who are you?" Harry asked, noting that the girl next to him didn't show any amount of surprise at his name. He figured even muggle-borns would have heard of him.

"Daphne Greengrass." said one of the girls. She seemed content to watch everyone else and observe.

As the generic and forgettable girl next to Daphne began to talk a thick, barbed tentacle wrapped around her neck and pulled her into the lake. No one seemed to care, even as blood began to pool at the top of the lake. Harry pulled himself a little further into the boat.

"Luna Lovegood. I'd like to challenge you to a duel. We'll figure out a time later." The girl next to him said. Despite the shocking and aggressive words, her face was in a friendly, if albit feral, grin.

Harry's eyes traced up and down the long staff on her back and he gulped. Unfortunately she seemed to take that as an acceptance and smiled widely.

"It's a date!"

* * *

"Luna? I heard your stupid whore of a mother died fight-" Draco started to say before Luna swiftly twirled her staff and smashed it into his face.

Draco opened his mouth, probably to yell about his clearly broken nose, but just exposed his teeth for the second strike of her staff.

As Draco's goons got the tar beaten out of them by the deceptively small girl, Harry felt the urge to run rise. Only the knowledge that the alternative was the Dursleys stayed Harry's feet.

"MY EYE!" Ron yelled, clearly bleeding. Who knew a tooth could be shot from a mouth that hard?

* * *

"I ran into a door."

"Draco that's ridiculous. You, Crabbe and Goyle couldn't have all run into a door and have suffered these sort of wounds in the five minutes I've been gone. What really happened?" McGonagall pressed.

"They decided to try making out." Luna said happily. When McGonagall stopped looking at her and turned back to Draco and co. Luna pulled her thumb across her throat in a threatening manner.

"She's right… We tried kissing." Draco said through gritted teeth. McGonagall didn't have time for this, and thus let it drop.

"Let's go. I'll call your names and you'll be sorted."

* * *

"Luna Lovegood!" announced McGonagall.

As soon as the hat got within three feet of her it screamed "Gryffindor!"

* * *

"Draco Malfoy!"

"Hufflepuff!"

* * *

"Harry Potter!"

'Anywhere but Gryffindor!' Cried Harry to the hat.

'Tough shit!' "Gryffindor!"

* * *

"Ron Weasley!"

"Can I get some medical attention? I've lost a lot of blood from my eye-wound and I might pass out."

"After you get sorted!"

"Hufflepuff!" Ron collapsed to the ground as madam Pomfrey walked over and carried him off.

* * *

"Ready to fight Harry?" Luna asked. She was slightly mad. Just because he'd killed a few more dragons than her didn't justify not even dropping into a fighting stance!

"If we have to…" Harry said.

'That misogynistic asshole!' Luna thought as she leapt at him.

* * *

"Sorry for almost killing you. Is everything in those books really false?" Luna asked as she sat next to Harry in the nurses office. As punishment for her beating she was to attend to his needs until he could leave, and help him with what they would otherwise be learning in class when he was feeling up to it.

"It's fine Luna. Really. I probably should have said something sooner. Besides, when my new eyes grow in I'll be able to ditch those awful glasses." Harry responded. Luna had actually turned out to be a pretty good friend, when she wasn't melting his eyes out with a corrosive mist anyways.

"Even so I still feel bad. I'll try and teach you as much as I can, for the next time this happens!" Luna started getting worried when Harry began giggling madly. Maybe she gave him his pain-potions in too close succession?

* * *

"Troll in the dungeons!" was all Harry and Luna needed to hear before they were off.

Following the path of wreckage and foul smell lead them all the way to the third floor, near the bathroom.

Harry pulled a smoke grenade from his bag and tossed it at the troll. Following it up with a banishing charm caused it to explode, creating cover for luna and shards of metal that caused the troll to roar.

Luna ran between it's legs, twirling her staff, now with a three foot long blade at the top and slicing the tender flesh of it's heels, it could do nothing but fall forward when Harry banished a harpoon into the troll, then summoned the harpoon.

Just because a troll is resistant to magic doesn't mean magic cannot help.

As he troll's form hit the ground and cleared out the remaining smoke Luna jumped atop it's back and slammed the blade into the base of the troll's spine, killing it instantly. Never one to leave anything to chance after what happened to her mother though, Luna pulled a fourth stick of dynamite from her bag, twisted her staff out and dropped the burning stick into the hole.

"Look away Harry!" She screamed as she leapt from the top of the head next to him. They walked coolly towards the approaching teachers as the troll's head exploded behind them, neither turning to look.

'Holy shit they're so cool! They didn't even look at that explosion!' Snape thought, unknowingly mirroring the rest of the staff with him.

"You saved my life! That troll would have killed me if you didn't come to save me! Thank you so much! I thought no one cared!" Hermione cried as she ran from the bathroom through the ankle-deep pool of troll offal carelessly.

"Uhh. Yes. We did this to save you."

"Who we totally knew was there."

"Not because killing a troll sounded cool as hell."

"Totally not." Harry and Luna alternated, clearly lying and surprised that they had accidentally done good. Hermione tripped and needed to bathe for the next two days.

The collective group of professors elected to not punish them, as opposed to the 5000 points they were originally going to grant before hermione showed up.

* * *

"Alternating talking-"

"Is out thing."

"We challenge you-

"To a rap battle!"

"We'll do that in some other chapter." Luna replied to the now sweat-dropping twins.

"You can't break the fourth wall." Gred whispered conspiratorially.

"They'll get you." Forge agreed.

"Nonetheless we'll stop finishing each other's-"

"Getting dressed in the morning." Harry completed. Everyone looked at him like he was retarded for a second before it clicked.

"Good chap!"

"Pip pip cheerio"

* * *

"Hmm. It's sleeping. Must be that harp." Harry said before summoning the harp out of the way of Luna's vanishing charm.

"No. Like this." Harry said before smashing it over the dog's head. Any of the professors would have likely cried about how badly Luna had corrupted Harry.

* * *

As they dropped into the trap door the dogs' corpse exploded. Neither looked.

* * *

As they summoned the key the plant behind them exploded. Neither looked.

* * *

As they looked at the chessboard the keys exploded. Neither looked.

* * *

As they look at the troll waving a white flag the chess pieces and board exploded. The troll thought they looked super cool.

* * *

As they pulled out a fire extinguisher and approached the wall of flames the troll's eyes widened and it exploded. 'So cool!'

* * *

"Oh hey Quirrell. How did you get past all those traps without exploding them?" Harry asked.

"And what are you doing here?" Luna followed up.

Quirrell looked at the flaming wreckage of all of the traps set up by the staff. So this was the child who had defeated his lord. He certainly seemed like he could have. In all his spying, Harry had never once looked at an explosion he had made.

"I'm here to grant 500 points to Gryffindor and take you back. Well done on completing our obstacle course." Quirrell said. There was no way he could fight them, and he wasn't able to get the stone on his own so all that was left was damage control.

"Neat!"

* * *

"Are you sure that you don't want to teach another year?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes. Sadly I've heard that my mother is very sick, and I'm going to spend my time watching after her." Quirrel answered. He'd better get Voldemort out of his body and reincarnated soon, or he'd die. Badass capable of killing entire vampire covens himself or not, the rules on one soul per body were pretty set in stone.

"Ahh well. I can't hold the lack of notice against you then. I'll just have to teach defense for the rest of the year. Thanks for keeping the stone safe with your on the fly thinking. Good luck, and my best wishes to your mother." Dumbledore said before Quirrell left via the floo.

"Now if only I could figure out a way to keep those two from getting bored. I don't think things will remain quite this unexploded if they get bored." Dumbledore mused.

Later that week the school found out they would be having fried 'squid' for the rest of the year, after the two exploded the ice and killed the 'squid' in the lake.

It lasted 3 weeks before a riot that surprisingly didn't involve them erupted and students destroyed the stores of 'squid'.

They were busy fighting spiders in the forbidden forest.

* * *

Well. I've been dying to write this one since I was playing the crap out of dark souls and realised that Hogwarts it literally packed full of boss-level enemies.

A basilisk in the sewer, a tentacle monster in the lake. Trolls galore. Cererouses. Animated golems. Animated chess pieces and more.

Not to mention the forest full of man-eating spiders, centaurs and all sorts of other murderously-rapetastic beasts literally right next to the school.

It's like Harry was meant to be attacked by giant hellspawn non-stop.

Oh yeah. Hagrid imported and bred hellspawn. That place is a deathtrap.

I've got a good backstory for luna here that you might hear if you want another chapter of this. One thing to note is that her staff is instead of a wand. Both have ups and downs, but wands are much more convenient and easily hidden.

As for Voldemort living: That's the point of fanfiction.

I absolutely hate it when everything changes for the better because of things happening.

It's a butterfly effect. Harry is strong, so people react differently. For good and bad.

I'm not sure if the Cerberus is a single dog or 3 dogs, so when adding the apostrophe I went with what I found more humorous. That's right, this story has a subtle grammar joke. Subtlety is probably the more surprising half of that.

Reviews are like drugs. Awesome. Also like drugs, please give me some. (Well, actually keep your drugs. The police are probably listening.)

The next chapter already has happened, for our perception of time is purely an illusion making it seem linear to allow us to comprehend it.

See you now,

-KishinoKurobi


	6. Karate-chan

Chapter 6

Karate-chan

"Thanks for coming to my office Harry. Would you like a lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked with a twinkle in his eye.

"No thank you, sir." Harry responded politely.

"Harry, as the headmaster I'm unable to assist you in the upcoming tournament, but I fear for you. These tasks are deadly for seventh years, and you're barely qualified to be a fourth year." Dumbledore said genially. Harry's eye started twitching. Dumbledore better have a point..

"While I cannot help you, I CAN give you a gift for your birthday that may prove to be some use. Happy belated birthday Harry." Dumbledore said, pulling Harry's gift out of his deck and unshrinking it.

It was presumably inside of a rather large box, wrapped in foreboding black chains with gleaming silver crosses and red, rusted metal pentagrams hanging off in alternating order. The whole thing gave Harry the chills.

At Dumbledore's expectant look, Harry searched for and found the lock. A quick unlocking charm later and Harry began unwrapping the chains. The box had a feather-light charm on it, so it wasn't that hard, simply time consuming to assure he didn't damage whatever was inside.

It may save his life after all.

"What the fuck?" Harry screamed after prying the lid open. Inside was the lifeless body of a small girl.

"Forgive me, I probably should have explained first. That is my daughter. You see Harry, many years ago while I was attempting to avoid getting involved in the war with Grindelwald, I ended up getting involved in a war between Heaven and Hell. The demon queen, Succubus Lilith was at war with the armies of the God of War Mars. I was a young and idealistic man, and attempted to show them their differences could be solved through love, rather than war.

It worked to an extent, as we had an orgy that lasted for about a month. Sadly that nearly killed me and caused more casualties than the war had caused in the year it had been going. Not to mention I simply hadn't realized that they weren't fighting over differences and simply because both sides loved war.

In the end through some freaky magic I ended up a third the father of this child. As Lilith had no need of her she sent her to me and said I might as well have her as a familiar. Unfortunately I'd already met Fawkes, and no one can have more than one familiar in a lifetime."

"So let me get this straight. You've met real gods and demons?" Harry asked dubiously.

"Yes."

"And then you proceeded to rope them into a massive fuck-fest that climaxed in a three way between you, a god and the queen of demons?"

"That was hardly the only climax."

"And you impregnated the queen of succubi in part of some weird magic ritual?"

"I was quite the baller back in my day."

"And now you're giving me your daughter, a demigod demon hybrid, to me AS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT?!"

"You're welcome."

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

* * *

Dumbledore had eventually convinced Harry that despite the insane amount of red flags and horrific moral implications unless Harry wanted to be murdered horrifically in the upcoming tournament he would need to accept his 'gift.'

"My name is Harry Potter. Your Father said you would be my familiar." Harry introduced himself to the girl.

She couldn't have been more than eight years old. She was a thin girl with slightly tanned skin-tone.

Two little horns popped about two inches out of her long crimson red hair that trailed to the middle of her back in a neatly tied ponytail. She had large, emerald green eyes that were framed by two long bangs of her crimson hair.

She seemed to be trying to take everything around her in at once with how her eyes darted from one nicknack to another.

Her pointed ears twitched at the various sounds around Dumbledore's office.

She was wearing white Karate Gi that looked completely ridiculous on a girl as small as her.

"I am Karate-chan! I like Karate!" she said cheerfully. Harry wasn't sure how neither Dumbledore nor… Karate-chan found this situation absolutely retarded.

"Karate-chan will keep Master safe!" Nonetheless, it looked like this would be a long year.

* * *

"But… I thought Dumbledore was gay." Hermione asked.

It had taken about five minutes after seeing Harry arrive in the common room with a small child on his shoulders for her curiosity to get the better of her. Harry hadn't even wanted an apology, he needed someone to talk to.

"Apparently he's bi, but prefers guys because 'bitches be whack.' His words, not mine." Harry responded. While Hermione looked miffed, she decided not to focus on that.

This entire time Karate-chan had been studying Hermione with a cute expression of concentration on her face. She seemed to have an epiphany as her eyes light up and she pointed at Hermione.

"You must be masters girlfriend!" she seemed to proud of her deduction.

"I'm just his friend." Hermione answered gently, finding the girl's thinking again expression too cute to be upset.

"His cock sleeve then?" Karate-chan asked innocently. Neville, who'd been listening in while drinking butterbeer started choking.

"What? No!"

"Casual fuck buddy?" She continued.

"Harry! What have you been teaching her?!"

"I don't know! She came like this!"

"Ex-cum dump?" Harry started crying.

* * *

"I hear you've got a demon pet now, Potter?" Malfoy started, as he cornered Harry in the halls. Crabbe and Goyle on either side. Harry had left Karate-chan back in the common room, as he wanted some time not needing to deal with all that madness.

"Fuck off Malfoy. It's annoying enough as it is."

"Tell me to fuck off will you? Well-" was as far as Malfoy got before a blur blasted out from around the corner. Slamming head first into Malfoy's crotch at blazing speeds was Karate-chan.

As Draco bent over from the impact, Karate-chan found her footing and shoulder-tossed draco over her into a wall with much more force than such a small frame should be capable of.

As Malfoy slid off the wall in a manner that reminded of when Dudley threw his mashed potatoes at the wall in a temper tantrum, Karate-chan proceeded to dodge a grab from Crabbe (who apparently couldn't bring himself to swing at a little girl.) and punched him in the nuts, hard.

She then flipped backwards over the punch headed her way from Goyle and landed on his shoulders. Her legs wrapped around his neck in a vice-grip and soon Goyle was sleeping on the floor.

"Karate-chan do good?" Harry knew he was playing with fire, but the way she was looking at him expectantly was too cute to be mad at.

"Yes, you did good." Harry answered and patted her on the head.

* * *

"Karate-chan do good?"

"Sure, but next time someone takes a quill from my bag maybe just tell me, instead of breaking their arm."

"Karate-chan makes no promises!"

* * *

"Do you do anything other than beat people up?" Harry asked as Ron was carted off to the infirmary. While Harry was kinda glad to see Ron getting his just desserts for being such an asshole, Karate-chan was causing some problems for him.

Just because Dumbledore said that the teachers couldn't punish him for what Karate-chan did, didn't mean that everyone appreciated having such a violent monster in their school.

"Karate-chan only understands and enjoys High Impact, Sexual Violence!"

"We need to find you some new hobbies."

* * *

Harry walked into the arena to face the dragon. He was starting to have second doubts about his plan. That thing looked much scarier up close.

Karate-chan didn't however, and climbed off his shoulders to launch herself that the beast.

What followed amazed and terrified everyone attending, including Harry.

The dragon launched a large gout of red hot flames that consumed Karate-chan's diminutive form as she raced towards it. As some of the audience gasped at the "child" being immolated, a great many cheered at the sight. This earned disgusted looked from the former crowd of course, but they didn't mind. Karate-chan had it coming.

Of course, nothing so annoying would die so easily. The flames burst apart into various animal forms and ran away, revealing a slightly singed Karate-chan.

"If you come back I'll kill you!" She shouted after them. Not sparing a moment's thought at all of the basic principles of reality she had thoroughly violated, she sped towards the dragon again.

The dragon seemed to be having second thoughts on challenging this beast, but the fact that it was chained down caused it to decide not to hope she would accept a surrender.

As she dodged fluidly around it's furious and somewhat desperate attacks, she launched ineffective jabs at various points on it's body. Seemingly gathering enough information she jumped back and announced her findings to the world.

"It's got hard skin!" she whined, shaking her hand and revealing her bloodied knuckles. The audience had various reactions, from falling over laughing to falling over in a face fault. Three stands collapsed, leading to multiple lawsuits against the gnomes that constructed the stands.

She seemed to have an idea, and sprinted towards Harry. As she got near, she leapt onto his head and used him as a springboard to launch herself right out of the arena.

"Tag out!" She yelled behind her. As she passed over the wall and out of sight a large explosion occurred near her point of impact. As the noises died down, inexplicably finishing with the sound of a hubcap rolling around and then falling over, a faint 'Oh god I think he's dead!' was heard.

"I'm okay!" Karate-chan's voice echoed through the silent stadium.

The dragon, until now seemingly fine watching the chaos caused by that annoying brat leaving, turned towards Harry.

"I'm so tired of all this madness. She's annoyed you for 5 minutes, I've needed to deal with her for weeks. Can you cut me some slack and just let me have the egg?" Harry asked. The dragon seemed to think for a moment before nodding and allowing him to take the egg and leave peacefully.

It turned out to be a good choice when a disappointed Karate-chan returned with the sword of Gryffindor 15 minutes later.

* * *

Harry needed to find someone to go to the Yule ball with him. Normally he would probably stress out about it, but the heavy bags under his haunted eyes had existed long before this news.

He would have just asked anyone to save time, but Karate-chan had managed to piss off just about everyone in the school. This had lead to him becoming a social outcast pretty quickly, with only Fred and George willing to associate with him. This was because they found everything Hilarious of course. Karate-chan and them got along like a house on fire.

So he had to find someone who was really easy.

"Ginny, wanna go to the Yule ball with me?" Her eyes practically shine with glee. Harry was asking her out! Soon all her dreams would come true!

"Of course Harry!" so easy.

* * *

"What do you mean you can't go?!"

"I uhh, remembered that I have something going on that day." Ginny said nervously.

"You have plans for a day with no classes and no one being allowed to leave the school?" Harry asked with a deadpan.

"...Yes." She answered hesitantly.

"Karate-chan is threatening you isn't she?" Harry said dejectedly.

"...No."

"She's behind me right now, isn't she?" He asked. His shoulders slumped in resignation.

"...No." She said, while pointing behind him inconspicuously.

* * *

"Damnit Karate-chan! Why would you do that?" Harry nearly broke down crying. She never stopped causing him problems.

"Karate-chan wants to go!" She declared petulantly, crossing her arms and puffing up her lips.

"Why don't you just go then? You can get away with pretty much anything!" Harry asked.

"I'm not going without a date like some fat Ravenclaw!"

"Well I can't take you! I'd look like a Pedophile!"

"Yes you will!"

"No!"

"Come on, you're my familiar! Listen to me!"

"YOU'RE MY FAMILIAR!"

"Then why do I always get my way?"

"I… But… oh god you're right…" Harry mentally collapsed.

"Don't worry, I'll definitely put out!" Karate-chan was very confused at why her familiar began sobbing.

She figured they must be tears of joy.

She was such a kind master.

* * *

"Good to see you Harry. I may not be able to teach you perfectly, but I'll make sure you don't embarrass yourself dancing." professor Sprout said kindly.

As she taught him, Harry felt himself warming up to the professor. What a kind women, it was obvious why she was head of Hufflepuff.

Dancing turned out to be pretty fun. The feelings of elegance and peacefulness that Harry was experiencing were wonderful. He could feel the stress slipping away as the hours passed.

However, as all good things must come to an end, a small form dropped from the rafters, landed on professor Sprout's shoulders and snapped her neck like a twig.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"Karate-chan saved you!" she cheered, seemingly honestly believing that he was actually in mortal peril.

"BY KILLING MY DANCE INSTRUCTOR?!" Harry screamed hysterically.

"Karate-chan is beginning to think that she confused the term "Giving dance lessons" with "Giving death lesions." She said slowly.

"We'll agree we're both a little to blame. I should have paid attention to McProfessor Lady and you should have seen something like this coming and warned me beforehand." Karate-chan reasoned. Harry felt more and more of him die inside. He really should have seen this coming, shouldn't he?

* * *

That's the end of part 1. I basically created Karate-chan in my head, and over time came up with more and more dialog until I needed to write this chapter.

I tried to make Harry come off as a somewhat normal person would when thrust into the situation. He might eventually become desensitized to the violence, but until then he's going to be falling down the painful staircase of cynicism.

At the end you can see how warped his thinking's becoming. Bro do you even Stockholm syndrome?

Also, in response to a reviewer who I really wish had an account so I could properly respond:

I've never plagiarized anything, let alone in a non-profit thing where writing it is the reward. The first paragraph might seem familiar because as mentioned, those were omakes I wrote for another fic. You might have read that fic. (Rise of Lord Vulcan.)

Even though I wrote them, I did get the author's permission before posting them here FYI. I'm really against plagiarism and stealing, so that implication bothered me a bit.

Future people that may attempt to troll me like that will be ignored. (I don't think you were, but I feel that I've cleared the issue up and it won't need further discussion.)

Anyways if you want a part 2 let me know as part of the review you're totally going to leave.

This fanfic was programmed into your brain in the future to overwrite a traumatic memory, so try not to remember it or your head will explode.

Thanks,

-The hospital staff.


	7. Self Confidence (Naruto)

Chapter 7

Self Confidence

Kakashi jumped backwards, sharingan blazing, out of Gai's reach to buy time to catch his breath. Gai had charged out of nowhere and "challenged" Kakashi to a spar. It wouldn't matter if Kakashi declined; Gai never took "no" for an answer.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Kakashi spotted one of the Hokage's ANBU running past, holding a scroll with Naruto's name on it. Seeing his chance, Kakashi decided to get out of the spar.

"Gai I've got to- Owch!" Kakashi had forgotten to keep his fighting stance until Gai dropped his, and got beaned in the head by a very heavy training weight. Ignoring the pain Kakashi continued.

"Stop that ANBU and see what's going on with my student. See you later!" Kakashi finished and took off.

"Kakashi wait!" Gai yelled as he took up pursuit.

* * *

"I'll take that for you." Kakashi said to the ANBU.

"Are you sure you should?" The ANBU asked.

"It's fine, I've got everything handled." Kakashi said and grabbed the scroll before speeding off, losing Gai along the way.

* * *

"Naruto, scroll for you." Kakashi said. Naruto's face looked pale.

"Is it really that bad?" Kakashi asked.

"Yeah. You should go to the hospital right now." Naruto said. Kakashi then noticed a wet feeling on his head and looked down to see Naruto's porch covered in blood.

"Mah mah. After we get you to the Hokage's office. It's fine." Kakashi said as he pulled out his porn and turned to walk down Naruto's stairs. Suddenly the world turned sideways and Kakashi fell down 13 flights of stairs.

When Naruto reached the bottom Gai showed up.

"This isn't the first time this week I've found Kakashi passed out in a puddle of his own fluids, clutching his Icha Icha." Gai laughed.

"Well Kakashi, let's go get that hole plugged up." Gai said. Naruto's face turned from ashen to green when he realized Gai wasn't running towards the hospital.

"**That's just fucked up.**" The Kyuubi summarized nicely.

* * *

When Naruto arrived in the Hokage's office, he found Sakura, Sasuke, Zabuza and Haku.

"Good, you've all arrived. I've called you here to discuss some… discrepancies I have with the reports you've filed." The Hokage started. He turned to Sakura.

"Your report is two words. 'I helped.' Even as vague and subjective as that is, I'm told the exact opposite in every other report." The Hokage started.

"I did help!" Sakura denied vehemently.

"Name one thing you did." The Hokage responded calmly.

Sakura's mouth opened and closed a few times, the finger she had put up into the air drooping over. As it looked like she would die there, her face brightened and she seemed to come to a conclusion.

"I defended Tazuna from thugs on the bridge!" Sakura responded.

"I was spying on you." Haku started. She would have just killed Tazuna then, but Zabuza really wanted a rematch with Kakashi. She didn't want to kill Tazuna only to have Zabuza die versus Kakashi, so in order to avoid such a depressing lose-lose situation she decided to wait until after the fight.

"You saw a thug down the street, pushed Tazuna off the bridge while screaming 'Get down!' and paid the thug to not kill you. With sexual favors." Haku said bluntly.

"I only had 2 ryo bills on me. Do you know how rare those are?" Sakura said meekly. It's not like a handjob was cheating on Sasuke right?

"Nonetheless Sakura. That's unacceptable behavior for a Konoha Shinobi. Did you ever even consider just killing the thug?" The Hokage asked. Sakura took on a look of incredulousness.

"Like to death? That would be morally wrong Hokage-sama. Everyone knows being a ninja is all about rescuing princes/princesses, saving children and pets from fires, impressing boys, being a hero and other glamorous things. It says it in the book." Sakura said as if it was obviously. Reciting it as if she was reading it from a book.

At that point a paper airplane flew in the window and hit the Hokage in the head. He opened it up and read the note.

"I whited out a few words in your academy books. Good luck assholes!

-Itachi Motherfucking Uchiha

P.S.

Tell Sasuke I killed his Hamster. He was not living an unsightly enough life."

At that point a figure in a black cloak covered in red clouds threw a dead hamster through the window before disappearing in a swirl of leaves. It splattered all over Sasuke's chest.

"MR. FUZZYCHEEKS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sasuke cried, falling to his knees.

"Sasuke. Because of this I'll just gloss over your report and assign you Yamanaka counseling. You wrote and excellent report. Next time however, please use ink instead of weasle blood."

"No promises." Sasuke said, deciding that he'd better head over to Ino's for some pre-counseling 'counseling'. He didn't even like Ino. He just slept with her because he knew someday Sakura would find out and die of a heart attack. Then he'd be able to get a more useful teammate.

The Hokage turned back to Sakura, who looked more lost than ever.

"You're clearly unfit for this line of duty. You can go back to the academy for remedial lessons or retire now. I'll allow it because it's not your fault. Have your reply on my secretary's desk by friday. Dismissed." The Hokage said. A shell-shocked Sakura left the room.

The Hokage then sighed and turned to Naruto, who had been zoned out since the start of the conversation. He was apparently talking with the fox again.

Naruto wore a dark red leather jacket with no shirt underneath it, and black cargo pants. He had steel-toed boots on his feet and his headband was worn as a belt.

While people tried complaining about it being disrespectful, he always responded by politely taking it off and allowing his pants to fall down. Naruto always went commando, so the general response was "...Put it back on…"

Except for Anko. She said to take more off.

"Naruto. First off: This report is WAY too long." The Hokage said as he slammed a 5000+ page report on his desk, resulting in a snapping sound and the desk tilting a little.

"Kage Bunshin is the best way to do paperwork sir!" Naruto responded.

"That doesn't explain the report of the wave mission's length. Shouldn't you have just gotten it done in like 5 minutes?" The Hokage asked. He used clones too, but no one wanted to do more work than needed.

"That explains it. I thought you wanted a report of my life until now." Naruto answered, causing Haku and Zabuza to sweatdrop and the Hokage to sigh.

"You're telling me you used a Kinjutsu to write down your literal life's story and give it to the Hokage?" Zabuza asked skeptically. At Naruto's nod he grinned.

"You're either dumb as a rock or a gloriously disrespectful bastard." Zabuza concluded.

"Both." the Hokage and Naruto answered at the same time.

The Hokage started flipping through it.

"This is bullcrap Naruto."

"It's all true. I promise!"

"'Day 1: Tired from the move. Kyuubi killed my parents, but I sealed him into myself because I'm so manly. I'm going to lift now. Every Day! Every Day!' It then keeps going on every day for 5 pages." The Hokage read to an increasingly incredulous audience. Except one.

"I wanted to emphasize that it was every day. Abs like these don't appear out of nowhere." Naruto answered, causing Haku to blush at the aforementioned abs.

"First off: It was the day you were born. You can't remember it. Second: You were an infant. You couldn't lift weights or seal a giant demon."

"I totally did. I'm so manly I sealed the demon, lifted weights and build housing for people hurt by the attack in the middle of the night!"

The Hokage realized that dealing with Naruto would be a headache anyways, and thus decided to use a jutsu to quickly absorb the 'information' from the report.

"You're telling me at four you 'Made a shadow clone to distract people with it's manliness and solved the civil war in Mist. They thought I was older because I was so manly. I got an award from the Mizukage that proves I'm the manly hero of Mist, but lost it in a competitive rock paper scissors contest."

"My strategy was completely flawless. Except for one fatal flaw. Paper."

* * *

"You don't look like the manly hero of mist." The woman said distrustfully.

"It's probably the beard. Now bend over." Killer B said. What a fool. Paper always wins!

* * *

"I refuse to believe that you beat the tigers in the forest of death in a fight, then became king of them."

"They send me tributes every week. Where do you think all those giant goats come from?"

"Why would you even be in the Forest of Death to begin with?"

"To practice take-over magic!"

"Magic doesn't exist!"

"It does! The Kyuubi is a magical wizard from across the sea! He came here to teach the disciples of manliness to us lowly mortals, but taking over the Kyuubi drove him temporarily unmanly!

Also, Chakra is totally magic. It follows no laws of reality and constantly contradicts itself."

"...just admit you're lying!"

"Just admit I'm the greatest, manliest motherfucker and give me your hat! You know what? Give me a office filled with beef jerky across the hall from my weights room too or no deal!"

"It says here that you figured out how to fly but decided to not use it because 'It would make people jealous!"

"It totally would. That's why everyone in rock is so sad. Like three of them can fly and the rest can't."

"Let's just move on the the Wave report. It says that the demon brothers appeared and you 'spurred Sasuke on with your aura of manly confidence to beat the Demon Brothers.'"

"If it wasn't for me, Sasuke would have been as useless as Sakura." Naruto stated matter of factly.

"Then you claim to have caused Zabuza to drag the fight out by showboating to you because of your manly aura causing him to want to prove himself to you subconsciously."

"That one might have merit. I have no clue why I could have completed the mission effortlessly and decided to show off to a group of 12 year olds." Zabuza said.

"See! Zabuza believes me!"

"I don't. I fact I'm formally changing my opinion that the mushrooms from earlier were still in effect."

"Those were some good shrooms…" Haku said dreamily.

"... Then you claim to have forced Zabuza to move by throwing a large black dildo at Zabuza."

"I wasn't going to touch the thing, and it was too big to dodge. Where did you even get that thing?" Zabuza asked. They all turned to Naruto.

"Shadow Clone and Henge. Duh. It's not like I carry a black horse dildo around in a sealing scroll at all times for... reasons." Everyone decided not to push it.

"You distracted Zabuza from being able to cast his jutsu by flexing?"

"It was certainly Kakashi's sharingan. It wasn't like I was looking for an excuse to have a muscle-off with Naruto the whole fight." Haku blushed heavily at Zabuza bringing back up Naruto's abs.

"You caused Haku to turn into a girl by 'being just that manly'?"

"No! I caused reality to distort and erase the male Haku from the timeline whilst simultaneously creating a female version!" Naruto protested. Otherwise he'd have been banging a tranny. A hot tranny, but a tranny nonetheless. He was too manly to be with a man!

"Two samurai barged into Tazuna's house to kidnap his wife and you killed them both with a single pool ball?"

"I was balls deep man! You've gotta think on your feet!"

"Then you came to the bridge and your awesome fight with Haku caused Sasuke's Sharingan to activate?"

"I was great!"

"Naruto this is bullshit! I want a real report of just the wave mission on my desk by tomorrow night!" The Hokage yelled, losing his temper. His head was aching from all the stupidity and lies and than god-damn book reading jutsu.

"Well screw you guys, Haku, we're going home!" Naruto said as he grabbed Haku with one arm and lifted the other into the air.

He then shot through the roof of the office and flew off.

"...the fuck?" was the only response the remaining members of the room could muster.

The Hokage pulled out his Sake and poured two glasses. He set one down in front of Zabuza before throwing back his head and drinking straight from the bottle.

This seemed like a good night to forget.

* * *

A/N:

Shoutout to Steven Wright. That guy knows how to own a pony for over 22 years.

I personally have nothing against gays or trannies, but Naruto here does. It's in his character.

If you ever see someone who looks exactly like me running around writing politically correct versions of this story let me know, he needs to go back in the cage!

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

-Kishinokurobi


End file.
